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A woman's cleavage tells you the amount and type of attention she needs 
Guns are incapable of losing their minds... but people sure are.
Lets all say a prayer for Bill Clinton after watching the Monica interview his holidays will suck
To MacKenzie Bezos: 'sup, girl?
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake...You know, cuz... "Here I go again on my own".
Breasts, great on chicks, AND turkeys
Women are magicians, they can change anything into an argument.
I try to let women think I'm mysterious and not hard up....that's why I wait a good 45 seconds before I Poke someone back on facebook.
If I am home alone, there's a 96% chance I'm naked.
I've never approached even 10% of Aerosmith's level of excitement that a dude looks like a lady.
You know you've done a great job when somebody you DON'T know LIKEs your status.
Happy Saturday… the day you can put as much booze into your coffee as you'd like to put in on Monday.
I'll buy the magic mushrooms, fireballs and flying raccoons but a Princess dating an Italian plumber?
I just told a child that PMS stands for 'Prepare to Meet Satan.'
The Longest a man can hold out without eating is 4 months but me and my checking account are challenging that.
Wait, hang on Fox... you finally resume racing after lonnnng delay, and a few laps in we get a commercial break?
The world is a stage. I failed the audition. Now I sit in the audience, and they call me a cynic.
When your clean you use SOAP, when your dirty you use SOPA.......
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
When life gives you lemon, just add vodka and stop whining. 