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Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed. I jiggled the change in my pocket. 
I got my long-awaited colonoscopy last week. I was going to upload the full video, but decided to hold off on that, mostly because I want Morgan Freeman to narrate it.
HECK .... If she can get away with this Crap NOW ...... Just think what she could get away with as President!!! Seriously ..... If you are really serious about your own future .... and the future of this nation ...... THINK ABOUT IT!!!
My status updates are now 100% gluten free.
Even Clint Eastwood's chair is refusing to appear at the Republican National Convention.
I'd give five bucks to hear Melania say, "Moose and Squirrel"...
[Kool-Aid Man watching the presidential election].. I dare you to build that wall, you son of a b**
I wonder what kids today are going to tell their kids. 'Yeah. it was rough back then. I didn't get a smartphone til 4th grade and sometimes the wifi didn't work upstairs.'
Can you imagine anything more depressing than going to a petting zoo owned by MC Hammer.
Waitress: ‘Do you have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘Yes. What kind of font is this?’
I'm so hungry I could eat a farm-raised, grass-fed, free-range, fair trade, organic, no-added antibiotics or hormones horse.
DNC is sueing wikileaks. Not for false information, but for stealing emails. They do realize with that, they admit they ar real right?
Wives are like newspapers. They have a new issue every day
You always hear the wife complain about their husband leaving the toilet seat up. But you'll never hear the husband complain about the wife leaving the toilet seat down.
I hate when my dog plays in the rain and comes in the house smelling like a hipster.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I'm not allowed on the field this year.
They made Paul McCartney and Elton John knights. What's the point if they aren't going to joust?
I think about making love every 3.14159265 seconds. I guess I’m pi-sexual.
If a girl pulls out a knife on you during an argument, pull out some bread and mayo. Her woman instincts will kick in and she'll immediately make you a sandwich.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing. No handshakes… just cold shoulders. 