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if I had a nickel for everytime someone told me I'm bad at math,id have 47 cents 
My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD bin at Wal-mart.
Wow! Did everyone notice C3PO at the Grammys??? He sure has let himself go...
My neighbor asked me to watch her cats while she was out of town. I replaced all the cat litter with Pop Rocks. Now we wait.
I hate when my dog plays in the rain and comes in the house smelling like a hipster.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I'm not allowed on the field this year.
They made Paul McCartney and Elton John knights. What's the point if they aren't going to joust?
I think about making love every 3.14159265 seconds. I guess I’m pi-sexual.
If a girl pulls out a knife on you during an argument, pull out some bread and mayo. Her woman instincts will kick in and she'll immediately make you a sandwich.
Lets all say a prayer for Bill Clinton after watching the Monica interview his holidays will suck
To MacKenzie Bezos: 'sup, girl?
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake...You know, cuz... "Here I go again on my own".
In this day and age where kids expect their parents to do everything for them, it's encouraging to see them washing out their own mouths with soap.
1 in 6 Millennials has a 100k saved, while 5 in 6 have 100k worth of tattoos...
A woman's cleavage tells you the amount and type of attention she needs
Guns are incapable of losing their minds... but people sure are.
DNC is sueing wikileaks. Not for false information, but for stealing emails. They do realize with that, they admit they ar real right?
Wives are like newspapers. They have a new issue every day
You always hear the wife complain about their husband leaving the toilet seat up. But you'll never hear the husband complain about the wife leaving the toilet seat down.
I got my long-awaited colonoscopy last week. I was going to upload the full video, but decided to hold off on that, mostly because I want Morgan Freeman to narrate it. 