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   messageicon I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
←Rate | 10-19-2018 19:50 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Canadian cattle can now legally graze on cannabis plants. The steaks have never been higher.
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Her: "Let's watch a good horror movie tonight!" Me: "OK!" **Breaks out wedding video** And that's when the fight started...
←Rate | 10-20-2018 17:47 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon First rule of Fight Club: Never hold it at a Saudi Arabian Embassy!
←Rate | 10-20-2018 16:14 by Truman Comments (0)  


   messageicon For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all I'm sayin. the choice is yours
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:45 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When a solicitor calls, I just hand the phone to my 8-year-old and tell him this nice lady wants to hear every last detail about your Minecraft village.
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:48 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My Girlfriend says our sex-life is so bad because I get so easily distracted? Ah well!..back to it I suppose!
←Rate | 10-21-2018 05:44 by Truman Comments (0)  


   messageicon KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal Me: Family?
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When I try on an outfit and it doesn't make me look good, I just throw it on the floor. Like, No, you don't deserve to be hung up, sit there and think about what you've done.
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:41 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough. Now he can hear the voices too.
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:44 Comments (0)  


   messageicon They say to write what you know. Chapter One: Farts
←Rate | 10-21-2018 11:51 Comments (0)  


   messageicon There is strength in loyalty; not in numbers.
←Rate | 10-20-2018 10:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If I had a pet unicorn, I'd probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon “Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:35 Comments (0)  


   messageicon People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
←Rate | 10-21-2018 12:35 by luka Comments (0)  


   messageicon I can feel my gut hanging out of my t-shirt but it's hidden by my hoodie so basically my secret identity is Winnie the Pooh.
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I've been on in 4 years.
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:42 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish. Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
←Rate | 10-21-2018 06:42 Comments (0)  



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