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Fastest way to piss me off? Tell me to "settle down." 
It's amazing how you can smell so bad, an still be alive.. .
There has been only one Christmas -- the rest are anniversaries
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
Everyone seems normal.. Until you get to know them.
If hooters changes to a door-to-door service, would they change thier name to knockers?
Why is it that when I talk to God I am said to be praying, but when God talks to me I am said to be schizophrenic?
thinking Scientists do it on the table... periodically
So, I read today that NASCAR is getting fuel injection.... I also learned that when they hit 88 mph the new cars travel through time back to 1985, when the rest of us had fuel injection.
the best things in life are free *just pay shipping & handling*
I wish you could spray on gift wrap.
doesn't dress up for Halloween cause I'm a character all year long...
My daughter spilled a whole bottle of baby powder on her room because she wanted to practice ice skating. Are you serious Disney channel?
Let me drink about it and get back to you.
To the neighbors who have plastic flowers prominently displayed in their yard: Thanks, my home is now worth ten dollars on Zillow.
People who work on their tablets all day and play games all night burn the Kindle at both ends.
A women's clothes tell you a lot about her mood. If they are on your bedroom floor, she's horny.
Remember guys, if your wife or girlfriend gives great head...she learned it somewhere.
Oh My God Becky
BREAKING: Study shows several boys not brought to the yard, despite allure of milkshake. 