Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China. 
thinks it's kind of cruel that those people who fought in WWII and survived Mustard Gas and Pepper Spray are now referred to as 'Seasoned Veterans'....
what do you call a Chinese man with a camera?....... Phil Ming
Just heard a really fat woman say she was starving and she couldn't wait for lunch. Um, no you're not and yes you can.
"I'm fat!" "Me too!" "Thigh five"
She told me to make my own sandwich. I told her to make her own money.
Did you know that 98% of Ford trucks sold within the past decade are still on the road today? The other 2% actually made it home…
Pro Tip: If your EBT Card is declined because of the government shutdown GET A PHUGGING JOB!
Girls who walk around with ponytail holders on their wrist are probably going to suck your d!ck.
Sometimes, my secretary reminds me of my wife. I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day during our lunch break when she said, "Remember, you have a wife."
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as Zombies they'll dig the wrong way...It's called thinking ahead people!
What if you get to heaven and God is like "Nah bra you can't get in. Remember when you saw my picture on Facebook and you kept scrolling?"
gives her friends permission to change her status to "is chilling with Jesus" after she dies
"Love" is purely a chemical imbalance of serotonin, dopamine, & norepinephrine. It is nothing magical or "special"; just simply an irregularity in the brain; a "two-faced high"
I don't get drunk .. I get AWESOME!!
No you are not an independant woman... You are just an adult. Having a car, paying yo bills, paying rent is part of adult life
Never ever change your ringtone to an eerie or scary one around halloween because some idiot might call you in the middle of the night while you're in a deep sleep. On a related note, sh*t stains are difficult to get out of sheets.
I don't understand why women wear watches when there's a perfectly good clock on the stove.
A study has shown that 40% of men over 40 suffer erectile dysfunction. Looking at 40% of women over 40, I'm not surprised.
I've just found my first grey pube............Don't think I'll order pizza from there again. 