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A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it's 3am. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby 
When cats and dogs finally rise up against us, the first thing they'll do is strap Santa hats to our heads and take pictures.
Mark Zuckerberg got married today. His new wife set her relationship status to "CHA-CHING!!"
is just me or do buffalo wings taste a lot like chicken?
So wait, if I post a letter without a stamp and just put the intended address as the return address, won't it be sent there anyway?
Anything related to Halloween doesn't scare me. What scares me is when I flush someone else's toilet and the water keeps rising
I drink while I work out. I call it Bacardio.
The rules were already broken when I got here.
Who else still thinks they have super powers, but they just don't know how to activate them yet?
I don't know how anybody gets attacked by sharks...As soon as I heard that first, "Dun, Dun." I'd be out of there.
Today I shall rise to the occasion and be magnificent. I shall conquer all tasks set before me and not falter in my diligence to fulfill my duties with honor....haha, just kidding.
I may look calm, but in my head I've punched you in the face 3 times!
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. Always remember, no smart person plans a murder out loud.
There's a fine line between crazy and free spirited and it's usually a prescription.
How come we live in a world where lemonade is made from artificial flavors & furniture polish is made from real lemons?
Be thankful for Facebook, the way gas prices are headed we may never actually see each other again.
The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word "facial" is used.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it's on.
I wish "you dumbass" was an appropriate way to end a work email 