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A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does. 
Middle-aged is when your list of ailments outnumbers your age.
Boss at meeting said it would nice if you employees would start showing me a little respect. One employee replied oh we show you as little respect as possible.
When someone says "good luck with that" are they being nice or sarcastic?
Of course I have countless friends. They’re called songs on my playlist. .
I feel terrible, or, as I like to call it, "being alive."
I can find your bathroom on my own but I'll ask you for directions anyway so you think I think you live in a mansion. I'm a giver.
Not today, found a new serial killer documentary.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
" You know your life sucks when you have to have three jobs just to keep up to being poor."
Some days I survive, other days I don't. It's no big deal either way.
Well...to be Frank, I'd have to change my name.
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
If we meet in public and you don't look like your pictures ,you owe me booze until you do.
Life is an ever expanding list of things that you used to enjoy.
The key to success is concentration, a skill which can be learned with - oh wow, that cloud looks like Snoopy!
[first trip on a cruise liner] CAPTAIN: welcome! only rule here is: loose lips sink ships ME: {throws Mick Jagger overboard}
Oregon Trail was the only game that made dying of dysentery hilarious.
Wife: Can you pick up milk?... Me: [lifts gallon] Yea sure, it's easy... Wife: I mean from the store.... Me: Umm ok, but I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Just met a kid named Denim today so yes, I would definitely like another drink. 