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Roses are red... Violets are Blue .... Vodka costs less than dinner for two 
Well I guess in nine months we will find out which of you were naughty and who was nice.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
Interviewer: You responded to my question too briefly and you were hesitant. Me: I was thinking how stupid your question was!
I may never understand women but I do know two words never to say to them, "calm down."
Siri, please delete all the baby videos from everyone's phones you're on.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says "I think we got this joke wrong."
My cannibal neighbors invited me over for dinner. They must've been upset that I was late. They gave me the cold shoulder.
Seriously who the hell is still funding and letting Steven Seagul's make movies?
been single for so long I should change my name to "Kraft"
ACED my prostate exam!
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
I'm turning into a geologist. Everyday I find a different rock bottom.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
If 2020 was a drink, I'm thinking it would be a Colonoscopy Prep.
Gonna crash a tanker full of pink oil into a delicate coral reef for my next gender reveal party.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins] Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low… 