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If someone’s going to ruin things; it might as well be me. 
Tonight, on a very special episode of Friends, a black guy gets on screen somehow....
Whoever kept Mike and Molly on the air by continually watching it which allowed it to go into syndication,,, I hate you.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is my favorite movie that sounds like a bad Mexican orgy.
My family crest is a single rotisserie chicken.
In Gary Johnson's defense, its not easy keeping up with current events when you're stoned all the time.
Did you know, if you hold an empty bottle of Yellow Tail Chardonnay to your ear you can hear a soccer mom complaining that she didn't get her ranch dressing.
May your day be just a little bit brighter knowing that even Brad Pitt can get dumped.
No one wants to watch your Facebook live video from your crappy seats at a football game.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard.
Add 'sexy' to anything and it instantly becomes a female Halloween costume.
Why aren't there breakfast bars that taste like bacon and eggs or biscuits and gravy??
I take all my Christmas pictures a couple months early before I put on all the serious weight.
Cashier just yelled at me to remove my chip card from the reader like I left a dog in a hot car.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
My wife tricked me into marrying her by laughing at my jokes when we were dating
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread
Good thing I got a college degree I think as I put away the kid toys for the 49 billionth time
*accidentally skips the bottom step of the stairs* Oh my God. This must be what a sky diver’s rush feels like.
Failure is not an option. It comes bundled as part of the package. 