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Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does. 
Hey UNITED, my ex is flying from Atlanta to San Antonio, flight 2145 row 12, seat D. Do your thing
Can anyone tell me the name of that Jennifer Anniston movie? You know, the one where she plays the quirky girl who untimately finds love in the end?
Never trust atoms. They make up everything
My exercise program consists of following women at the store who are wearing tight yoga pants.
I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.
Shouldn't a female Pit Bull be called a Pit Cow?
Congrats Khloe Kardashian! You're father was granted parole!
Eclipse glasses for sale. Slightly used
I am so sick of these double standards. Burn a body at a mortuary and you're doing your job. Do it at home and you are "destroying evidence."
My boss just appointed me as his sex adviser. He said " When I want your fu*king advice, I'll ask for it."
Robert Kraft's prostitution arrest. Voluntary exchange of sex and compensation between consenting adults. Kinda like marriage.
Dear R.Kelly you have no idea how much trouble Urine
I remember when I used to get nostalgic. Those were the days...
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday.
Usually either Nestle or Captain.
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese* wife [sitting in the hot tub] Noooooooo
I got kicked out of the threesome for singing “You’ve Got a Friend In Me.”
Apple were considering making an iPod for kids but apparently, the name 'iTouch Kids' didn't sit too well
If Tu-Pac and Biggie were still alive Kanye would be folding T-Shirts at the Gap right now. 