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Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower 
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral in the distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain crying, no umbrella so your fam thinks you might have been Batman.
I quit my job at the helium gas factory, I refuse to be spoken to in that tone
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
The clinton emails can't be that bad....Aaaaand they worship satan.
Thanksgiving tip #23: Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it's written on before Thanksgiving.
Ladies, we are not officially old until going braless pulls the wrinkles out of our faces.
"China is beating us badly in every aspect. Even buidling the wall."
So does Caitlyn Jenner get a half-day off? #Daywithoutwomen
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
You've probably already heard that Mr. Peanut died. But, don't worry. He'll be back in a Jif.
Really feel bad for my neighbor.... He thought a vasectomy would keep his wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
The best things in life require no pants.
Cut out the middleman and just list 911 as your emergency contact.
$300.00 to buy a ticket to see Rage Against the Machine makes me think that they now are the machine.
Now there’s Adderall to perk up, Xanax to calm down, Prozac to feel normal. In my day we drank beer for all three.
ATMs be having $4 withdrawal fees talking about "cover your pin" mf you the thief
I’ve got your stimulus package right here.
You think quarantine is boring? I just edited all the slow motion scenes in Baywatch back to regular speed. The entire series was only 16 minutes long.
Pretty wild how we used to eat cake after sum1 had blown on it..Good times 