Funny Status Messages

   : Everytime I hear the dirty word "excercise", I wash my mouth with chocolate.....

   The number one thing I learned on xbox live is, a lot of 12 year olds have slept with my mom.

   wonders how I can remember lyrics to a song I haven't heard since 1986. But can't, even for a million bucks; remember why I'm just standing in the middle of the kitchen

   Justin Bieber has grown a mustache. His transformation into a teenage mexican girl is now complete.

   discovered that answering the door naked helps deter trick or treaters. Here we go again, here's 2 dressed as policemen.....

   What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?

   Accidentally used AOL.com to search for something today. I feel like everyone who works there probably high-fived each other and got really hopeful about the future.

   Those 50 workers that stayed and are trying to stop full nuclear meltdown at the reactor in Japan are super heroes or the last of the Kamikaze's as far as I'm concerned...God Speed!!

   Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.

   It has been brought to my attention that the stick figure decals on the back windows of vehicles are NOT pedestrian "kill" scores, but, actually are meant to represent members of your family. I'll be removing mine asap to avoid any further confusion

   I've never been skydiving,, but I've zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.

   When people go underwater during movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation. I died at Finding Nemo.

   My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum; it's either her or the Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last st@tus update, in which I talk about having a girlfriend.

   Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.

   There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

   If you want to capture someone’s attention, whisper ~ Creepy Joe

   How to be a gangster: Step1- Buy XXL shirts and pants. Step2- Put them on. Step3- Waddle like a penguin.

   Everyone's gynecologist uses the term 'battle damage,' right?

   From now on, all of my posts will be written in Morgan Freeman's voice. Please re-read this one to make sure it's working.

   You bring a baby monitor to the bar one time and everyone freaks out.