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Tottenham's bids to sign David Beckham and Phil Neville failed after they missed the transfer deadline... By 7 years. 
Some old people are driving vehicles right now and don't even know it.
wondering what the person who discovered the somersault was doing to discover it. He had to be crazy
mmm nothings more manly then watching a man hold shake-weights next to his face while grunting with exaggeritated force
I'd like you more if facebook didn't update me on all your stupid thoughts……I said to myself….
women are attracted to danger... and there's nothing more dagerous than running with scissors.
20mph school zones are only making our children's reaction time worse.
Plot twist: WebMD says you're just thirsty
Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn’t have said.
I'd like to be offended by sex. Where do I register?
Officer that's a medicinal hooker I swear !
Did someone wake up Ronda, I'm sure she had things to do today.
Well apparently its not Tiger Blood that Charlie Sheen has running through his veins.
Facebook Murphy's Law: Profile photo with two women. It's never the attractive one's timeline.
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don't want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
DATING TIP: Date me
Iraq is just like big lottery winners. Give them a couple of years and they're worse off than before.
It's like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn't want me to braid her hair.
Listens to coloring books on tape.
I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila. 