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On the occasion of Women's Day...my wife decided to take a rest ...so I am the boss for today..... 
There is a new wing in the Denver hospital named after famous skier Picabo Street. ...It's the Picabo ICU.
I'm pretty sure I'm "all that" it's the "bag of chips" that's in question
facebook, where a bathroom shot of a duckface is considered 'hot'
If I don't share all this stuff about me now... it's gonna be really awkward when I show up at your house.
What's the point of having nice boobs if you're going to cover them up? Stop being so greedy and unbutton your shirt like I do.
Look you asked me to be your child's Godfather so don't get pissed at me because I taught him how to break knees and collect debts.
Relationships are a two way street navigated by women who are backseat drivers and men who refuse to use maps.
Fear of Friday the 13th is called paraskavedekatriaphobia. Heck I'm just afraid of that word.
That chili I ate last night is causing gas bubble noises to occur in areas of my body that were previously believed to be solid chocolate
The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
When a woman says she'll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I have the ability to get wasted and function at the office appropriately the next day... it's my super power.
I really don't see why Conrad Murray is going to prison for what he did. House pulls crap like that all the time
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief & suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a Wedding Cake!!
I'm so drunk I speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne.
A wise man once said nothing.
Glittery eyeliner makes my daddy issues sparkle.
Say NO to the Bathroom Duckface & Quacker Lips photo epidemic.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead or alive, I would choose alive,,, because eating with dead people is just creepy. 