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the comfort I get from bringing my own pillow on the plane doesn't quite outweigh the shame of carrying my own pillow thru the airport 
Today is one of the few days of the year I can pretend to be a Kardashian (do nothing and get paid for it).
To those who've been to hell & back, screwed by life, broke their hearts, yet still managed to keep a smile on... ...My utmost respect.
I'm a tiger in bed. I will rip your leg off if you wake me up.
wishes that I could afford to buy each and every one of you a very expensive gift. Of course, I wouldn't, but I wish I could afford to.
I love that part of relationships when people don't know they hate each other yet.
If my boss didn't want me coming to work drunk then why did he ask me to work on Saturday morning.
Admit it or not, there's an undeniable satisfaction when your ex replaces you with someone who looks like a double from Planet of the Apes.
Dating is a lot like fishin'. Sometimes catch and release is the best method.
Those who have talent will use it. Those who have none will exploit themselves. Looking at you Miley Cyrus.
Stop the world, I want to get off!
Hugh Hefner is getting married again, to a 26 year old. If I were to marry someone that much younger than me, I'm 54, I would have to wait another six years for her to be born.
"You'll be hearing from my attorney!" Is usually what I tell random strangers leaving a public restroom.
I got mood poisoning from work....
Who says chivalry is dead? Last night, my wife was too sick for sex so I just settled for a BJ...
Just once I would like to be summoned by a king, or a wizard, instead of the courts.
Reese Whitherspoon may have lost her good girl image but she's still got her overinflated self worth...
The first rule of plagiarism club looks familiar
There's always the possibility that Snowden just picked a really elaborate way to break up with a girlfriend.
I like to watch Chinese p orn at night and I put it very loud so that my neighbors think that apart from having sex I can speak Chinese too. 