flinnie Funny Status Messages

   BREAKING: Penn State assistant coach Mike McQueary sent to the Pennsylvania Home for Horrible, Awful Gingers

   The final episode of Mythbusters should end with them proving they don't exist... and then vanishing.

   If the NBA season is canceled, then LeBron James will have to travel somewhere to choke in June.

   Gore Vidal's parents set the bar pretty high for baby namin'

   Glad my work doesn't do drug tests cause everyone would find out I'm a loser who doesn't party

   I wonder if astronomers will ever find the opening credits to Stars Wars floating out there

   I hope one day I am wealthy enough to donate to every charity that sends me free address labels.

   Looking to prank someone? Put Bieber tickets on really cheap & post their phone number.

   If your depressed about the world, remember that sea otters hold hands so they dont float away while sleeping

   Laughing for 15 seconds adds 2 days to your life span. Therefore, I am immortal.

   It's that time of year again where commercials remind me that I will probably never get a car with a bow on it

   Throwing away a good relationship because of problems that can be worked out, is like throwing away a new car because of a flat tire

   Dora has taught me just enough Spanish to engage Spanish-speaking people in the worst conversation they've ever had

   I always pull my shirt over my entire head when I get pulled over because cops tend to have sympathy for drivers who don't even have a head.

   How exactly does Al Queda recruit for terrorists? "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" "Ummm....Dead?" "Good answer!"

   Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. - The Opportunist

   This infomercial says that with their product, I can chop potatoes "EVEN WITH A BLINDFOLD ON!!!" It's like they know EXACTLY what I need.

   Bucket list item #26 Shoot at someone's feet while yelling "DANCE, VARMINT!"

   Scientific fact: You do in fact have a wonderful Christmas time when you don't hear that awful Paul McCartney song.

   The Breakfast Club ruined detention shenanigans for the rest of us.