flinnie Funny Status Messages

   How are poor people so good at finding money for tattoos?

   I ate so much candy corn yesterday, I just pooped a candle

   I tried to come up with the most horrible baby name possible & settled on Adolf Judas Kardashian.

   I got sent out of class once at school.The teacher yelled at me, "What would your parents say if I called them?' I replied, "Hello?"

   Lady in the commercial for the life alert necklace said she fell. Laid there for 8 hours til her friend came. Why didn't the cameraman help her up?

   Horse cops would be way cooler if they didn't have people cops riding them. Just horses with a gun and a badge. And a taste for justice.

   Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”

   I don't often use violence on my coworkers. But when I do, I prefer the pimp slap. Stay frosty my friends.

   Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

   Phase one of my secret plan is to teach the squirrels to work as lookouts. Once that is in place, I order the balloons.

   It's time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it's over

   Whenever I'm on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON'T HANG UP" right as they're hanging up & then not answer when they call back

   I keep thinking about Shane from "The Walking Dead" telling Rick that "it all started with a few weird news reports."

   Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?

   I see London. I see France. I see the Human Resources Office because I made an inappropriate observation.

   Just one typo and, the next thing you know, you're depending upon the kindness of stranglers.

   To convince my boss that I'm keeping busy, I periodically yell "YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?" into my phone, then slam down the receiver

   As a child, you dream of adventure, travel & success. As an adult, a lot of the time, you just hope the toilet flushes.

   If you even suspect someone has been stung by a jellyfish -don't ask- just pee on them. You might save a life.

   Never fails. Always behind the person filling out a mortgage at the ATM machine