lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

   Stephen Hawking had a hot date last night. She stood him up... And he immediately fell on the floor.

   My dad fought in the war and survived mustard gas and pepper spray. He is now classed as a seasoned veteran.

   Dear Pringles, Now that I am no longer a child, I cannot fit my hand inside your tube of deliciousness. Work on that.

   My friend is in a wheelchair, so I gave him a chainsaw, wrapped him in tinfoil and sent him on Robot Wars. But seriously - he's dead now.

   Girls:If you get a message from your boyfriend saying that he wants to "kick your puppy", don't call the RSPCA...He's just not very good at predictive text.

   If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, eating magic pills and listening to repetitive electronic music... think about it.

   This morning, as I stood naked looking in the Mirror, I thought to myself: "Any second now I'm gonna get chucked out of this newsagents."

   What do a midget and a dwarf have in common? Very little.

   Boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled 'LSD'?" Granny replies, "F*ck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

   has 2,993 people on her mind today. R.I.P the 9/11 victims x

   My nephew was really scared after swallowing some lego. He was sh*tting bricks for a few days.

   I had to take a drugs test the other day and it came back negative.Which means my dealer's got some explaining to do.

   My mate told me I always speak like a computer geek. I LOL'D.

   I don't know about you, but I'm sick of seeing disabled people being pushed around...

   Past, Present and Future walked into a Bar. It ws tense.

   wants money for nothing and the chicks for free.

   How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? Its not hard.

   One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them.The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, but the third one's arm was too short to reach.

   My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.