Vito Funny Status Messages

   it's been 06837 days since the last time I gave a crap

   Had Mexican for dinner last night and just used a BP restroom. Let's just say we're almost even.

   Can't find Sesame Street on his GPS. Can you tell me how to get there?

   I just busted my Gold Fish smoking seaweed. No wonder he was always hungry and paranoid.

   My bank just called me because of suspicious activity on my debit card. They couldn't believe I bought a gym membership either.

   I'm addicted to cold turkey and I don't know how to quit it.

   I just accidentally dropped a bowling ball on my bed and my wine glass fell over. I wish I had Tempur-pedic bed

   I wonder if the The Pillsbury Doughboy gets pissed if you poke him on Facebook?

   Why aren't martini glasses shaped so that they don't spill so easily on the express bus?

   taking his 1st Karate lesson today @ the Ho Lee Chit Karate School

   I'm in the mood for Sushi but the Japanese place near me doesn't take credit cards. I'm gunna have raw toast instead.

   This is today 8====> and this is me (_!_)

   I want to get a Henna tattoo that says "Forever"

   I think I need to start doing pullups to get more of the ladies attention. Pull up in a Benz, Pull up in a Vette, Pull up in a Beamer....

   I cut myself shaving this morning. Now I'm walking with a limp.

   Yo Mama is so fat! She uses an iPad as an iPhone.

   in the Smokin' Section lookin' for the hot women. Such a deceiving sign, there's none here

   I just saw a Rabbi and a Priest walk into a bar together. I have a feeling something funny is about to happen

   I got 99 problems but a red balloon ain't one.

   Walked by A Maternity Clothes Store today and there was a "Please Come Inside" sign on the door. Duh, Why do you think they need Maternity Clothes