Snotty Funny Status Messages

   A TV chef just explained, "it's the heat that starts the cooking process"... Hmmm,, Let me just write that down

   You find it offensive?... I find it funny.... That's why I'm happier than you

   Yeah I'm married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT'S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

   Day 12.. I haven't eaten apple in a week,, the doctors are slowly getting thru the barricade, I won't last very long, tell my family I love em

   They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.

   Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.

   My 6yo thinks it's bullcrap that grown-ups don't get a summer break.

   Kurt Cobain would be so disappointed to find out teen spirit now smells like Axe body spray

   I can't wait until Whole Foods starts selling "Mars Water" for 50 bucks a bottle.

   Some people's lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.

   Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?

   TOP MISTAKES MARRIED MEN MAKE: 1) Doing things... 2) Not doing things... 3) Thinking about doing things... 4) Not thinking about doing things...

   Hmm,,, Voyager1 is 8.2 billion Miles from Earth & continues to send readings back to us.. and I can't get cellphone reception in my livingroom?

   Winning a fight with your wife, is like winning a vacation to Detroit... Don't get too excited

   Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad?,,,,, Good times........ Good times

   Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.

   A vegan friend on FB said if we had to kill our own food, we wouldn't eat meat... I think if he had to build his own computer he'd couldn't whine on FB.

   Wow!!, What a day..I volunteered at a soup kitchen, mowed my lawn,, went to 2 Birthday parties,, ran 6 miles,, then told a BUNCH of lies on Facebook.

   "Frosted Mini Wheats" are my absolute FAVORITE breakfast cereal made from scrap wicker furniture.

   Hope I never go to jail,, because I haven't memorized a phone number since 2003.