Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Teen at Starbucks asked if I could take her selfie. I said that would just be a photo.... She's still blinking at me.

   Everytime this post is liked,, a Member of Congress gets kicked in the genitals.

   I find it highly suspicious that the three bears had the dexterity to buy furniture and make porridge in the first place.

   A TV chef just explained, "it's the heat that starts the cooking process"... Hmmm,, Let me just write that down

   Balloons are so much more expensive than when I was a kid... Probably due to,,,,, you know,, inflation.

   Yeah I'm married, but get one thing straight,,, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT'S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

   Day 12.. I haven't eaten apple in a week,, the doctors are slowly getting thru the barricade, I won't last very long, tell my family I love em

   They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.

   Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.

   Kurt Cobain would be so disappointed to find out teen spirit now smells like Axe body spray

   My 6yo thinks it's bullcrap that grown-ups don't get a summer break.

   I can't wait until Whole Foods starts selling "Mars Water" for 50 bucks a bottle.

   I'm not so good about doing the dishes. I just contemplated spreading peanut butter on bread - using scissors

   Some people's lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.

   TOP MISTAKES MARRIED MEN MAKE: 1) Doing things... 2) Not doing things... 3) Thinking about doing things... 4) Not thinking about doing things...

   Why do the commercials with the husband and wife doing a home improvement project never show the fistfight?

   Hmm,,, Voyager1 is 8.2 billion Miles from Earth & continues to send readings back to us.. and I can't get cellphone reception in my livingroom?

   Winning a fight with your wife, is like winning a vacation to Detroit... Don't get too excited

   If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.

   I assumed a coworker was pregnant. She told me no, just six months fat... We laughed and laughed and then she stabbed me.