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I'm saving all my good posts for when I can think of some. 
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house
Every time I say stop, an epic battle takes place in my head where I decide whether to follow it with "in the name of love" or "hammertime."
You know you're married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
Bikini season...lets use some good judgement, if you cant see the top of your bikini bottom without squirmin....dont wear it
I read something the other day that made me piss myself. It was a sign that said: "Bathroom closed."
I feel a sin coming on!
for an April Fools joke, I walked into Walmart wearing a see thru mesh wife beater, cut off jeans and no shoes. Turns out 16 other dudes thought of the same joke.
If I was homeless I would dress up as a Coinstar machine and just sit there.
Our lives are defined by opportunities, even the ones we miss.
Sorry about those texts last night. My phone was drunk.
Just because I liked your status, doesn't mean I actually read it. More to make you feel like someone actually cares about what you have to say.
A noise just came from my closet. I'm really hoping it's the Boogeyman and not R Kelly.
The LIKE button: also for choosing sides in a Facebook argument without saying anything.
If SOPA really goes down.... I might murder a government official, armed only with an empty iPod and ear phones...
I guess one reason why a person may take you for granted, is because you give way too much way too soon.
Sometimes its better to forget about making people happy and just do what YOU really want to do.
We Cant Be Together. It's not you, it's me. I can't be with someone who sucks.
Who needs dementors to suck out your soul when Mondays exist.
You call them enemies, I call them people who wish they were me. 