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Two guys walk into a bar. I was one of them. I don't remember anything else.. 
Sometimes, I wish emails from my family had an *unsubscribe* button at the bottom.
ever notice how anything seems possible when you don't know what you're talking about
Remember kids...skinny girls freeze to death faster!
with the birds dying in arkansas...and the eagles in philly..and the ducks tonight I think its safe to say the Aflockalpse has begun..
Claustrophobia-The fear of Santa Claus
Mark Zuckerberg, let me get this straight... you went out of your way to fix Facebook, when there wasn't a problem, and didn't put a dislike button... why? You made all those changes... wouldn't hurt to make one more... right?
Really needs to stop making friends with random people at 7-11 while intoxicated
The guy next to me just ordered a shot of Jacks Daniels and a chaser of Italian dressing. I can't decide if he's crazy or a genius.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings....'
When telling someone the first rule about Fight Club, aren't you in fact breaking that rule yourself?
Most people find it difficult to accept change. But from my experience its impossible to get strippers to accept it.
It must be impossible to stand out as a prostitute working on Halloween.
why don't you slip into something a little more comfortable... Like a coma.
Wife had a facelift today,not high enough,i can still see it,
beginning to feel like every day of my life is like an open tryout for a wacky new reality television show.
Been there. Done that. Bought the T-shirt. Sold it on EBay. Made a tidy little profit.
What happens in Vegas (losing your money) stays in Vegas (all your money).
People joke about Bieber Fever. Don't.. Sigourney Weaver Fever killed my grandfather.
I've been poor and happy and now I'm ready to be rich and miserable. Gimme! 