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Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch. 
I hate when I look in the mirror and see an adult.
more confused than a chameleon in a box of Smarties.
January: that special time of the year when a children's Xmas toys & his parents are BOTH broke.
I'll show you my status if you show me yours
Remember kids...skinny girls freeze to death faster!
with the birds dying in arkansas...and the eagles in philly..and the ducks tonight I think its safe to say the Aflockalpse has begun..
made entirely of flaws but stitched together with good intentions.
Just finished the KFC double Down .... Whoever made this had to be STONED because no one sober could come up with something SO GOOD !!!
Two guys walk into a bar. I was one of them. I don't remember anything else..
Sometimes, I wish emails from my family had an *unsubscribe* button at the bottom.
ever notice how anything seems possible when you don't know what you're talking about
just two away from a threesome
I've been poor and happy and now I'm ready to be rich and miserable. Gimme!
Claustrophobia-The fear of Santa Claus
Mark Zuckerberg, let me get this straight... you went out of your way to fix Facebook, when there wasn't a problem, and didn't put a dislike button... why? You made all those changes... wouldn't hurt to make one more... right?
Really needs to stop making friends with random people at 7-11 while intoxicated
The guy next to me just ordered a shot of Jacks Daniels and a chaser of Italian dressing. I can't decide if he's crazy or a genius.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings....'
When telling someone the first rule about Fight Club, aren't you in fact breaking that rule yourself? 