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Golden words by a wise man:"If you want to change the world, do it when you are a bachelor. After marriage, you can't even change a TV channel..." 
People who bring up your past are threatened by your present and the undeniable fact that your future looks brighter than theirs.
How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb? Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.
its horrible when you get harshly woken up...by your own fart
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
Wanna hear a clean joke? Johnny was taking a bath with bubbles. Wanna hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was a man.
Need to call in a hot female carpenter to fix this morning wood.
When Tim Tebow heard about Peyton Manning coming to Denver he threw a fit. Unfortunately He missed his intended target by ten yards.
Apparently men think about sex every seven seconds. Luckily I wrote this in sex.
Going to a strip club in the middle of the day can be so depressing. Especially if you catch the end of your mom's shift.
The worlds economy is in a terrible state, the Ice caps are melting, the Rain Forest is being destroyed and now apparently Justin Bieber has reproduced. Can things get any worse?
Morning texts are for people you love, Midnight texts are for people you wanna f*ck
If there was a hero that saved people from awkward conversations, he'd be more popular than Superman
:You know that saying "Once you go black, you never go back"? Well I tell you, it sure does not apply to licorice.
BEST PICK UP LINE: Let´s drink Vodka until you don´t remember what I suggest next..
Black Friday is all the companies telling you they could sell their products at these prices everyday of the year....kinda reminding of us of how stupid we are and how greedy they are!!
Charlie Sheen is visiting Colombia and for the first time ever the country is in fear of running out of cocaine!!
"Some days, you're the status; others, just a comment."
Don't take nude pics. Problem solved.
The show "Toddlers and Tiaras" was so named because "Strippers in Training" and "Mothers with Self-esteem Issues" just wasn't as catchy. 