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My dad said if I keep typing really loudly he's going to smash my face into the keynvjkFh;whg 
Too bad no one here has watched enough comedies to be a comedian...
to the burger king employee, with the man Mayo. if you want to make 15 dollars a hour get a real job
No Grandma, EBOLA is not a new perfume from Kim Kardashian
Dont have phone sex You might get hearing aids
Why did the sperm cross the road? Because I put on the wrong socks before I went for a walk.
When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can't get any worse, please remember...I don't give a s$it.
Julian Assange(Wikileaks) gives private info. on corporations to you for free and he's the villain. Mark Zuckerberg gives your private info. to corporations for money and he's Man of The Year.
I'm planning a trip to the Virgin Islands. Trust me.. when I get back, you can just refer to them as the Islands.
I bet people at my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
"Careful, there's dog poop on the dance floor." - how ballet was invented.
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait... Regular or Asian?
So I'm seeing this girl right? And.........ah who am I kidding....im gonna go masturbate!!
Food Network is like Porn...you always wanna try out what they are doing!
I hate it when I keep my swag on all day and overswagulate.
colorblind and trying to solve a rubiks cube... this could take a while
So, ummm, Rihanna? Could you please give me a little variety in your music? I swear, woman -- ALL of your songs have the same beat and consists of you repeating multiple words multiple times. Work on that.
At this point the only thing that could save Denver is President Obama pulling out his pen and ordering Seattle to redistribute some of its points.
Spoiler Alert: Phillip Seymore Hoffman dies at the end of his Facebook movie.
Slept over at a kids house once in third grade. Saw him pour milk into bowl first, then cereal. Never talked to him again. He's in jail now 