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As income tax time approaches, did you ever notice that when you put the two words, 'The' and 'IRS' together, it spells THEIRS? 
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
Women want someone that looks good on their arm, holds all their crap, and compliments their shoes. Basically men are just purses.
Never turn your back on a charging turtle.
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
Rich people stay rich by living like they are poor. Poor people stay poor by living like they are rich.
Obama claimed he was the one to bring the races together... Hows that working for ya BLM?
No one deserves people chanting outside their home. No one
if your complaining about new statuses, maybe you should do your part and contribute a witty status yourself!
Sometimes I go up the stairs & when I get there, I completely forget what I went up there for. So I masturbate. That's usually the reason.
To pay for gas, I'm selling tickets that allow people to get lost in my eyes for 15 minutes.
That rather uneasy moment when you are walking with your girl and you see a lesbian with a chick hotter than yours.
Speaking from experience, No More Tears shampoo does not work as advertised if you drop the bottle on a baby's face.
By the time I get to the bottom of the bottle, I don't really need an answer.
Hey I just met you and this is crazy. But I just ate bath salts and you look tasty
My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.
I must assume that my cell phone is pro-choice based off the number of calls it has aborted!
shocked.. who would have known Kim Kardashian would get a ring before LeBron James!
wish Carlin was still here so I could hear his wiener jokes...
My Life: Find out who's looking for you online for free! Ummm...guess they haven't heard of FB? 