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When I sing with my headphones in I think, "Why don't I have a record deal?!"...Then I take them out and I know why. 
My friend asked “What do blind people think about when they masturbate?” I’d be willing to bet that it is something along the lines of “Who is watching me”
How to get along with your spouse: Don't have one.
And the award for best neckwear goes to....... Hmmm,, Well would you look at that, it's a tie
My wife and I got a book on how to spice up our love life. One suggestion was to make love in a car wash. It was great but it really pissed off those people doing their church fund raiser.
The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.
I have no time for stupid people But they sure do have time for me.
My neighbours diary say's I have boundary issues.
Sorry I accidentally turned off all the lights and played dead when you knocked on the door.
Sometimes I can't remember what parking lot I left my car in at the mall so I get it Malaysia Airlines...I totally get it.
And in the news today, Justin Bieber has yet to be shot in a drive by. . .
when love comes around...punch it in the face, before it knocks you down
2011....Who's ready for another lap around the Sun?
has invented a time machine! Unfortunatly, it can only go about one minute into the future. Coincidentally, it takes one minute for it to work........wait a minute(looks around warily)
Forget the "Dislike" button....can we get a "Don't Give a F*ck" button ?
Mother rabbit to baby bunny: "A magician pulled you out of a hat. Now stop asking questions."
"Kissing is like real estate. The mst important thing is location, location, location." :P
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
would never say this of myself, but my friends tell me that my milkshake is particularly adept at bringing gentlemen callers to the estate.
Dear Santa, every year you bring me coal. Could you bring me a BBQ pit so I can use them this year? Thank you in advance. 