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With only one plug in this hospital room it's not looking good for Nana's respirator if my phone battery dies and I have another AWESOME face book status update . 
Hey Jerry Sandusky, I hope Bubba treats you in prison like you treated those kids.
that moment of joy after feeling you've created the greatest status... then a half hour passes and your contemplating suicide since you have not a single like
They might as well start teaching texting while driving in driver's education classes.
Be careful who you call your friends. I'd rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies
I'm convinced that whoever invented crack cocaine is also responsible for Samoa girl scout cookies. The similarities are too obvious to ignore...
What is more annoying than Valentine's Day? The people that won't shut the hell up about how much they hate Valentine's Day.”
I didn't think my hangover was that bad until I spent 10 minutes logging into my nephew's Etch-a-sketch
Sex burns 25.7 calories per minute, with that being said, wanna work out? ;)
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest sh!t.
I'm sorry I keep calling you and hanging up. I just got this new phone and it's voice activated. So every time I yell dumb ass, it dials you.
The world would be a much better place if everyone just did what I told them to do and stopped asking so many stupid questions.
I've never seen more than 600 dollars worth of cars in a 7-Eleven parking lot.
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I'm not reading it.
if you aren't pissing off at least 10 people a day, you aren't trying...
I sent a text message pouring my damn heart out, and all you reply back with is "K"... B$tch you was better off not replying.
3 reasons why I'm single… Can't date food, can't date celebs, and I can't date the internet.
I find it ironic that chicks are always attracted to a$$holes, but rarely agree to anal.
Whenever somebody ask me what's my favorite movie or song, that's exactly the moment when I forget every f*cking movie or song I've ever come across in my whole life!
Thanks to ads all over sites, I now have 32 iPhones, 100,000,000$ and three dates tonight! 