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Tetris taught me that when you try to fit in you’ll disappear. 
Not sure who came up with the spelling of "phlegm" but phuck thegm.
I checked with my doctor, and beer is right for me.
My buddy told me he was having sex with twins... I asked how do you tell them apart? He said, "Her brother has a mustache"
Sex burns 25.7 calories per minute, with that being said, wanna work out? ;)
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest sh!t.
I'm sorry I keep calling you and hanging up. I just got this new phone and it's voice activated. So every time I yell dumb ass, it dials you.
The world would be a much better place if everyone just did what I told them to do and stopped asking so many stupid questions.
I've never seen more than 600 dollars worth of cars in a 7-Eleven parking lot.
Call me lazy, but if it takes two clicks I'm not reading it.
if you aren't pissing off at least 10 people a day, you aren't trying...
I heard you were voted "Most likely to suck seed."
Not even 2012, Paranormal Activity 3, Shooting, Bomb Attacks, or Failing a Class is scarier then 5 missed calls from Mom.
With only one plug in this hospital room it's not looking good for Nana's respirator if my phone battery dies and I have another AWESOME face book status update .
Hey Jerry Sandusky, I hope Bubba treats you in prison like you treated those kids.
Thanks to ads all over sites, I now have 32 iPhones, 100,000,000$ and three dates tonight!
1600's: "Oh Dearest Romeo, I write to inform you I have received your letter and I've been left quite speechless" 2011: " K "
You laugh because you think it's a joke. I laugh because you think I'm joking.
that moment of joy after feeling you've created the greatest status... then a half hour passes and your contemplating suicide since you have not a single like
They might as well start teaching texting while driving in driver's education classes. 