Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
If you guys were at a bar right now I'd burst through the door & say "Drinks are on me!" Then I'd go to the bathroom & climb out the window. 
I want to deactivate my FB account, but I know I would be proud of myself and want to announce it to everyone… on Facebook.
Don`t flatter yourself, I sent a friend request not a marriage proposal.
I'm too sexy for my ex.
I still don't understand why these Christmas Carolers get spooked so easily....They act like they've never had a potato gun fired at them before! ツ
Just read that California leads the nation in depression cases and adultery. ....What a sad state of affairs.
If you pull them up high enough, any underwear becomes a thong.
If you're going to poke me, you better buy me dinner first.
has come to realize that my job is like an episode of "LOST". Confusing, filled with a lot of interesting characters and just when I think I have it figured out - everything changes.
When I was older I used to love playing around with time machines.
I'm working on my resume. Should I use the term "mad skillz" or would "mad skills" be more formal?
says "Dyslexics are teople poo"
Noticed an ASPCA-sponsored bumper sticker shaped like a milk bone that said 'I sleep with dogs.' I thought it was pretty cute. Then the guy and his not-so-pretty wife got out of the truck. Oh the irony!
Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram?" Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
Please talk to my face, my breasts can't hear you.
Prank idea: Pay a homeless man to run up to someone at an outdoor drinking fountain and yell "Get away from my bidet!"
A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
The older I get, the more I desperately cling to my immaturity.
No, your *other* counterclockwise.
Missing dog and wife. Reward for dog. 