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Just realized how sad it is when people watch reality tv rather than going out and having a reality! 
I think “be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give to some people.
Steve Gerrard "The whole team is behind Rob Green". In retrospect, that's a good place to stand from now on
When I was older I used to love playing around with time machines.
I'm working on my resume. Should I use the term "mad skillz" or would "mad skills" be more formal?
says "Dyslexics are teople poo"
Noticed an ASPCA-sponsored bumper sticker shaped like a milk bone that said 'I sleep with dogs.' I thought it was pretty cute. Then the guy and his not-so-pretty wife got out of the truck. Oh the irony!
Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram?" Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
Please talk to my face, my breasts can't hear you.
Prank idea: Pay a homeless man to run up to someone at an outdoor drinking fountain and yell "Get away from my bidet!"
A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
The older I get, the more I desperately cling to my immaturity.
No, your *other* counterclockwise.
Just read that California leads the nation in depression cases and adultery. ....What a sad state of affairs.
If you pull them up high enough, any underwear becomes a thong.
If you're going to poke me, you better buy me dinner first.
has come to realize that my job is like an episode of "LOST". Confusing, filled with a lot of interesting characters and just when I think I have it figured out - everything changes.
thinks that time flies when you're having a drunken blackout.
The most disturbing part of those Orkin commercials is that the people seem used to speaking with 6 foot tall insects.
This old lady was tailgating me so I slammed on my brakes...I think I gave her a heart attack, at least thats what the paramedics said 