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went to a baseball game yesterday with my new girlfriend. We played a game where I would kiss her on the strikes, and she would kiss me on the... 
Doesnt matter if the Bengals lose.... Yeah a win would be nice but at least our Quater back isnt a douche. You can constantly improve, you cant fix Douche-Baggery. There I win ;)
A completely unattractive woman is hitting on me at the bar. I'd drink until she's cute but the bar closes in 9 hours...
I didn't know how talented I was...I can sneeze and piss at the same time... :(
Winter Weather: where a couple of inches will keep a woman in bed all day.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
What does it mean when your lady wears a Cleveland Browns jersey to bed.......U aint gonna score!
wish my boobs wouldn't slap my face while I run.
Squirrelly, squirrelly on the street--you shoulda been quicker on your feet.
Beyonce is pregnant. She should of put a Nuva Ring on it
Drink 'till she's cute, but stop before the wedding!
Yesterday I changed the name of my WiFi to 'Hack if you can'. Today it was called 'Challenge Accepted'
Still haven't heard Obama or GOP candidates say anything about getting rid of Jersey Shore or deporting Justin Bieber back to Canada…
Dear Men. When a woman says she doesn't want to talk about it, you'd better shut up, grab a chair and get ready to listen…for hours.
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
Halloween really is the perfect time to get rid of all those Chinese food condiment packets.
Funny how you don't see Oprah or Bigfoot in the same room.
If you have a Democrat passenger, you get free parking in the handicap zone.
naked under his clothes 