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You don't drown by falling in water. You drown by staying there. 
I would walk into the light, but that's where all the bugs are.
Feelings are like waves, we can't stop them from coming but we can choose which one to surf.
I sent my wife to Home Depot to buy a set of knee pads for me. Hey, fair is fair.
Pouring the last bowlful of Lucky Charms from its box and finding no marshmallows is like pouring a bowlful of sadness.
Our Internet is down and I just shaved with a razor that had only *four* blades. It just got all Dark Ages up in here.
Wow....turns out I'm NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.
Girl Scout cookies are a lot like crack. Only instead of a creepy sweatsuit wearing thug taking the cash, it's a cute kid with freckles & braces.........
I haven't changed my clock since last year so today my clock is finally right!
Taking my Mother-in-Law swimming off the western coast of Australia
Apple cobbler? Uh,, No thanks,,, If I ever want shoes made for my apples,, I'll buy them at the mall where they're cheaper,,, I'm NOT an idiot..
Turns out the guy I hired to be my life coach is actually a swimming coach, which explains why he kept wanting me to wear a Speedo.
Rather than buy Instagram, it would have been nice if Facebook put that money into just 1 version of their app that ACTUALLY works.
This just isn't working out.... I think we should start being other people.
Girls who say 'G-strings are more comfortable than regular underwear' know that men hear 'I like things in my butt'
And on Friday God created alcohol, and Adam was happy! It had been a long first week with Eve
Dear people who dont rate a joke after it makes them laugh, F*ck you!! >:p
Hello Verizon... This is President Obama... I am interested in your share everything plan...
Google... sqrt(cos(x))*cos(300x)+sqrt(abs(x))-0.7)*(4-x*x)^0.01, sqrt(6-x^2), -sqrt(6-x^2) from -4.5 to 4.5
wondering if Chris Brown releases a "greates hits" cd.....will that violate his probation???? 