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I hate when I miss a call by a few seconds, call the person back and they don`t answer. 
I see dead people.......a lot easier since I started using my Bushnell 3200 Tactical Elite rifle scope.
Dear Facebook: I'm appalled that the free service that I am in no way obligated to use keeps making changes that mildly inconvenience me :)
I'm saving my April fools joke for tomorrow. No one will see them coming...... ; )
Guys: Wow, her status is dumb. but she's cute, so I'm going to like it.
Apparently alcohol contains female hormones. After you drink enough, you can't neither drive nor shut the hell up
Admit it, Once in your life, you've tried to guess someone's password but failed
They say animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming. Like the night before that last earthquake hit, our family dog took the car keys and drove to Arizona.
If only the Indians had given the Pilgrims donkey on Thanksgiving. We'd all be getting some ass today.
Guns don't kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.
If it doesn't kill you,, you'll learn from it.. If it does kill you,, I'll learn from it
I've dedicated my life to gettin prostitutes off the streets .... For an hour or so usually ..
Its not the chocolate or the flowers, it's how you put a smile on my face that makes today all worthwhile
dollar menus giving ramen noodles a run for their money
ok its almost March....all the people that joined my gym in January for their new years resolution can stop now, I'm tired of waiting to use machines
My dramatic exit was ruined when I forgot my phone.
Just explained Twitter to my friend. I don't think I did it right, as he's excited to sign up.
Its Funny How Sitting "Boy Girl Boy Girl" Used To Be a Punishment.
I want to live my life like a fly, pester as many people and get into as much sh!t as possible before I die.
Futurist, writer, strategist, social media guru, comedian, consultant, entrepreneur, horny. One out of the seven is true about me. 