Joser Funny Status Messages

   I'd like to kick Murphy's @ss for making any laws.

   The truth shall set ye free. But lying shall get ye a bunch of free sh*t.

   I am not a control freak. I prefer the term "predictability enthusiast".

   I truly wonder how much better life would be if people were required to fill out a CAPTCHA before breeding.

   Called my 40 year old cousin in Louisiana and told her she'd better hurry up and get married. There won't be as many fish in the sea now.

   People always demand to know who farted as if they'll decide how disgusted to be based on who's responsible.

   I don't drool.. I shed mouth tears of joy!

   Every time I pour water on myself when attempting to use a water bottle I get sad because even hamsters have mastered this.

   We need a set time limit for when people can say "long story short," because it usually comes WAY too late.

   I was going to go to the gym and run 7 miles this morning to continue trying to look good but then I remembered I own Photoshop.

   There's someone outside wearing nothing but cowboy boots, a candy necklace and a tiara. Damn. What am I suppose to wear now?

   I get speechless whenever I see a heavy woman in spandex, usually because my tongue gets tied trying to say "Flubber hugging lady leggings".

   Be sure to take the time to honor a soldier today by punching a politician in the face.

   Just once I'd like to go into a bar bathroom and under the "For a good time call-" written under it: B- ..4 out of 5 stars, would call again

   Do you ever laugh so hard you accidentally work your abs?

   Dear BP, None of this would've happened if you had hired the best deep core drilling team -- Bruce Willis, Owen Wilson, Ben Affleck, and the big black guy from Green Mile.

   soo The Humane Society says donations can help homeless animals, but I find it's easier to just give a couple bucks to every stray cat I see...

   "If I weren't such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face"

   The fact "gorilla" does not rhyme with "tortilla" infuriates me.

   Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?