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A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth. 
Feminism is like the Netherlands: it owes its existence to a network of dykes fighting the forces of nature.
See what happens when you name a hurricane after a man! He won't ask directions, wanders around lost, leaves a mess and doesn't clean up after himself!
In a gay casino, a queen beats a straight every time.
Jay Z wore are Colin K jersey on SNL last night. Couldn't spell Kaepernick
still misses someone. But his aim is improving!
Russia declared Wednesday a National Day of Conception to stimulate the birth rate. Any couple who gives birth nine months form now will win money and prizes. This is what countries without a Mexican border have to do to increase their population.
If people winked in real life as much as they wink in texts, the world would be an extremely creepy place.
Oh, there's so much nudity on TV, I just sit there shaking my fist.
DEAR HATERS, I COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT....'awesome' ends with "me"and 'ugly' starts with "u"
if 666 is considered evil, then is 25.8069 the root of all evil?
How do you get a fat girl to sleep with you? Oh c'mon guys... It's a piece of cake!
Goodnight IRS...Goodnight DHS...Goodnight CIA... Goodnight NSA...Goodnight FBI...Goodnight Barack...Goodnight John Boy.
The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.
I'm sorry I took your daughters virginity. It won't happen again.
My daughter asked me to help her with her math homework so I had to sit her down and explain that people with big boobs don't need to do math
Relationships are like sharing a book. It doesn't work if you're not on the same page.
I am nicknaming you "Big toe" cause sooner or later I am going to bang you on the coffee table.
Have you ever held your money and ever thought "I hope this hasn't been up a stripper's butt"...
Always take life with a grain of salt... Plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila. 