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Women find it rude if you blatantly want to sleep with them. But they find even ruder if you don't. 
No honey you are not fat. You are just too sexy that it overflows.
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I(heart) Duck"...it tastes like chicken. I said "No it doesn't". Then I realized I was talking to a bumper sticker.
Sometimes you have to look back to see just how far you HAVE come. Dont dwell on the past. Things and people move into the past for a reason and do not make it into your present and future for a reason. You look back to gain perspective, not to gain doubt
I'm sure both Justin and Selena already have new boyfriends
FYI - Valentines Day is only 4 days away... It's not too late to break up.
I just got done doing 5 sets of diddly squats.
What wine goes well with 16 Advil?
If there is anything I learned from 80's movies is that I'm the best around.. and nothings ever gonna keep me down.
Don't hate me because I just woke up from a nap. Hate me because I am about to take another!
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
Not every relationship is to learn a life lesson. Sometimes it's for a new steak marinade, unsafe sexual position or where not to vacation.
Your parents payed your iPhone, MacBook and bought you car? And they're paying for your school? Please, tell me how hard your life is.
Nobody should regret anything that made them smile.
You had me at let's get divorced.
Dear Ladies, If he calls you at 3:00AM…no offense, but you probably weren't first on the list.
When I'm in the shower I let the water run down my arms so it looks like I'm shooting water out of my fingertips
I always thought saying "What crawled up your butt and died" was funny... until the day I met a man with a story about a weasel.
If I hadn't already faked 13 illnesses this month to get out of work, I'd totally do it again today.
There should be a website where emotionally void sociopaths can form fake relationships to mask the desperation of lonely lies they tell each other. 