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Remember when there was nothing to check and no device to check it on and all you did was live your life? 
Everyone's all "confederate flag" this, "gay marriage" that. And I'm just sitting here waiting for the new Minions movie to come out.
When I think of you I touch myself. On my temples. You give me a migraine.
I would love to put all the girls I slept with in one room to see if they can figure out what they all had in common
After over 350 years,,, The Vatican finally apologized to Galileo, so don't expect an apology for child abuse anytime before 2363.
Men: if your woman makes you sleep on the couch, use the cushions to build an awesome fort and then hang a “no girls allowed” sign
Ladies, it’s easy to change a man. Just nag him constantly. Then you can watch him change from happy to bitter before your eyes.
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you'll feel a little better about giving up later.
My wifes sister sat on my glasses and broke them earlier,I was was so pissed of....Though to be fair it was my owne fault for leaving them on.
The French are only good for fries, toast, and kisses...
Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, some poems rhyme, others don't
I just got arrested by a drunk cop. He keeps asking why I pulled him over. There's something wrong here.
Real cases, real people, real emotional abuse....JUDGE JUDY
Been eating thin mints like crazy and haven't lost a pound
The best things in life are free……for the first 90 days.
Will be open for Flirting from 8pm - 2am, Monday - Sunday.
"There's plenty of fish in the sea", "Well that's cool, but I'm human."
If you ever find yourself drinking more than one shot, you are either celebrating your birthday or trying to forget you were born.
Guy asked girl "Does the carpet match the drapes?" she says, "Nope, hardwood floors"
The Swedish Chef is the greatest Muppet of all time. END OF DISCUSSION. 