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Of all the advice given to me over the years, "There really is no bad time for a beer" has proved to be the most helpful. Thanks ma. 
I think I will dye some Easter eggs white this year
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people's phones.
I put the pro in inappropriate.
It's a damn shame when a man works hard all week then comes home for dinner and relaxation but has to work extra hard to get love and appreciation from his woman.
Son: Dad, I want a car!" Dad: "Not unless you cut your hair." Son: "Jesus had long hair!" Dad: "Yeah, and he walked everywhere too."
that a person who really loves you is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everoyone else still believes in the smile on your face
I was bored so I went to Walmart, Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while then yelled very loudly, “There is no toilet paper in here!” boy was that employee freaked out!!!
Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.
making cows laugh and watching milk run out their nose
What are the two most important holes in a woman's body?...No, its not them you dirty bastards - its her nostrils....They allow her to breathe while she is sucking your cock
Anger is an emotion for people who wish to control others while simultaneously failing to control themselves.
I just cleaned out my Facebook friends list. Congratulations if you are reading this! I still like you!
Everybody loves pot brownies. But I bring crystal meth cupcakes to a party, suddenly I'm the weirdo.
Sometimes you want someone so bad, youll tell yourself lies &hope they come true.
Next time you get a call on your cell and you dont know who it is, answer it.... 'hello, westwood sperm bank, you squeeze it - we freeze it' !
Possible post if Facebook was around in 1983: DANGIT...street lights are on. Guess who's getting beat with a belt when he gets home :'(
The dress was white and gold until it decided to go on a date with Chris Brown.
So if you're blind and on the toilet do you wipe until the dog barks or how does that work?
If people could read minds and two people were reading each other's mind, so wouldnt they be reading their own mind reading the opposite mind reading their own mind reading the opposite mind .............. 