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The U.S. Secret Service...secretly being serviced ;) 
When I was a kid, I didn't think humans could move their feet like Fred Flintstone. That is until that time the Ice Cream truck passed my house without stopping.
Sorry for drunk texting you again last night. I assure you that I didn't mean what I said, unless you feel the same way
If I had known I would run into this many a-holes in my life, I would have capitalized on it and specialized in proctology!
The Universe is now in harmony. Just saw a redhead drink a Ginger Ale.
We are at DefCon 2. Snow has been forecasted in the area. A whole 1-3 inches. Yes, there is panic.
i was gonna give you a raise, but you clicked your tongue ring against your teeth one too many times...we get it, your tongue is pierced, stop playing with it..we're not having sex, so I dont care
This world is in desperate need of a Sarcasm Font.
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
Has it occurred to ANYONE that if you can organize that many people to protest, you can organize that many people to help build businesses, clean up your streets? Where's that rally?
... It is a proven fact that when you clean out a Vacuum Cleaner .... You become a Vacuum Cleaner.
Your soulmate is currently working their way through several other soulmates before they finally get to you.
If I was in a position to hire someone and their resume read "I've never attended a political rally", I'd probably give them the job.
My sports career was abruptly ended by the baby gate hurdle incident of 1996.
It turns out Hillary didn't have pneumonia after all. She just downloaded iOS 10.
Farting in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.
It should be a rule that every political Facebook status or tweet should begin with - "First of all, I have absolutely no real idea what I'm talking about, this is just an uninformed opinion................."
The star of this debate...the fly. 😂😂😂😂
Put my phone on airplane mode and some bloke came over and dragged me out of the house.
Does anyone know a phone number to a good psychiatrist?.Oh it's not for me, it's for the people who still believe they'll get a check from Bill Gates for sharing and reposting a chain letter to all their friends. 