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Know your limitations people! Just because the item says "one size fits all" doesn't mean you should try to fit your big a$$ in to it....just sayin' 
The only way you have a 12 incher is when you leave Subway!!!
I did not celebrate Valentines Day but instead chose to celebrate the Chinese New Year... and its the year of the Tiger and my god what a year it has been for the man!!
I have many problems in my life, but my lips doesnt know them.. they always smile
fun facts of the day: Wayne's World was filmed in two weeks, all of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20, and Deborah Winger did the voice of E.T.
If I call you cupcake it's because I'm probably going to put my vanilla frosting on your forehead.
Read a story about a man who was killed by wave.. All I can think is how big was the other guy's hand?
If money can't buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
iPhone 5: Still no toothpick :(
just at the gynecologist and during my pap test my Dr. was whistling if I were an oscar meyer weiner!! Never going back there.
Has either candidate even addressed the fact that we're running out of stripper names?
Don't you hate when you meet someone attractive as hell with the personality of a wall? -.-
Never trust a man who takes selfies
I went into Home Depot and asked one of the associates if he thought that these pruning shears would cut through bone. You should have seen the look on his face.
Did you know that if you decapitate a vegan they can continue to talk about being a vegan for another 10 minutes?
I hope someone will document at least one girl's evolution from "Toddlers & Tiaras" to "Teen Mom" to "Intervention" to "Hoarders."
How come I can buy a bottle of Starbucks at 7-11 for $1.79 but a cup of coffee at their store cost $5??
Slow drivers need to get out of the fast lane. Some of us are in a hurry to get home to be ignored by our wives.
Actually Ke$ha, I think the rest of us don't want to die young. But you should definitely go ahead without us.
I can't decide who deserves the death sentence more, a serial killer or a person who calls you when you text them. 