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Let me know if anyone's hiring right now... I specialize in destroying alarm clocks and petting kittens. 
married the perfect woman. You know how he knows? Simple. If something goes wrong, it's never her fault. It's always his.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
my girlfriend called me a useless druggie today. I almost fell off my unicorn.
Run faster I hear banjos!!!!
Yeah, its nice you wanna tell me about yourself, your life is an open book. But how about we skip to the chapter where we hook up.
Download this software? Do you Agree? Are you sure? Well, the more times you ask me if I'm sure the less sure I am.
"Hello Wednesday morning....for a moment, I thought you were your friend, Friday! Forgive the disappointed look!"
they say a way to a mans heart is through his stomach, but with this knife I know a shortcut through the chest which ain't far from it.
A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again
wondering who ever came up with the saying "taking candy from a baby" as being something easy. I don't think they have ever tried it. I would rather take a salmon from a grizzly.
not in a good mood, but I'll fake it 'til I make it.
Just realized how sad it is when people watch reality tv rather than going out and having a reality!
And then I was all like: "I'm really getting sick of your sh*t." And then she was all like: "To speak with a representative please say representative..." UGH!!
There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.
thinks that losing someone you love is like losing a limb. You take it for granted when you have it but one day it is gone and you are devastated but you eventually learn to cope without it and then function "normal" again.
I'm not opinionated, you're just always wrong!
has advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
supports the health cares 10% tax addition to tanning.....as long as I dont have to be the one to tell the cast of Jersey Shore.
There are two rules for success: #1. Don't tell all you know. 