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: Santa Claus reported his naughty girls list stolen, Police comfirm Tiger Woods is the prime suspect. 
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have kill you too.
If I won the lottery I wouldn't quit my job. However, I would test the limits of misbehaving until they fired me :) __ I'll call this wish #473.
Everyone is complaining about the Polish taking jobs. What about the lesbians taking our women?
that akward moment when she pulls out one bigger than yours
All you need is a sick mind and a healthy body.
Sorry, but I don't take relationship advice from single people. That's like taking advice on how to jump hurdles from a dude with no legs.
Some people message me and wonder why I've deleted them from my friends list. And I always respond "Even the trash gets taken out once week around here."
would it not be awesome if that crashing nasa satellite finds that piece of human garbage casey anthony and squishes her on the toilet
I hate long walks on beaches, picnics suck, dinner and a movie costs too much, I expect my woman to make me a sandwich, bring me a beer and not say a word while I'm watching the game.~ Honest guys eHarmny profile
I accidentally called 911, so I set my house on fire so I wouldn't look stupid.
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges
I hate people who can't make up their minds. I love them.
Sick of people who cannot handle having their beliefs questioned with well reasoned arguments.
What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails? Single!
wonders if there is another word for synonym!
Anyone noticed that "studying" is like "student" and "dying" put together?
I wonder if kids in China ever look at their happy meal toys and think, "Hey, I made this."
I am thinking people with Bulimia like KFC because it comes with a bucket! 