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to the lady smoking a cig. with the windows rolled up, kids in the back seat: need I say anymore 
Canada still up there? Somebody really should check now and then.
Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles
I'll have a Cafe-Moca-Vodka-Valium-Latte to go please...
Found out today that you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jellyroll stain. Sorry, fat stranger.
Victoria's Secret just launched a new bra called Netherlands. It has a lot of support, but no cup!!!!
Wal-mart employee-"can I help you"? Me-"do you have anything i'd like". Employee-"how would I know what you'd like"? Me-"you started this".
Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let's get this thing done.
My wife says I'm a clueless idiot. I didn't even know I had a wife.
I am more convinced than ever that we are fast approaching the idiocracy...that epochal tipping point in our development, where stupid people set the agenda for humanity
P0rn is so unrealistic. There is no way in hell a guy with a ponytail would own a house that nice.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
I was meditating this morning... ok actually I was sitting on my bed and starring 20 minutes at the wall... but it still counts
When the apocalypse comes soy sauce & ketchup packets WILL be our currency. Otherwise I've been collecting these for nothing
I've been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree
If you can read, thank a teacher. If you can read in English, thank a soldier.
"Hey baby, do you smell that?" "No." "Me neither, start cooking."
The best curve on a woman is her smile :) ...No I'm just kidding, it's her boobs.
♫ All in all, it's just a... nother post on my wall. ♫ 