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Good guys with guns are all over the place. But you never hear about them because they are not breaking the law. 
It takes me a week to return a phone call, but I will knock over a baby to get to my phone if I even think I hear a Facebook notification
Have you ever taken a dump on the toilet backwards? It's so awesome you can read book or eat a meal or even work on the laptop without heating up your legs. Such a great experience. You never have to get up.
I sprained a finger when I saw a post that said "unfriend me if you don't support Clinton", I couldn't click fast enough.
I just drove thru the 'hood and didn't see any NFL players helping the oppressed.
I just explained Google images to my mom. "Pick anything to search for..." I told her. "What about a nice cream pie?" She asked... "Except that." I replied
I don't understand interventions. What's the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
I'm so bored right now, I've actually started paying my bills as a way to entertain myself.
If you think your day is going badly just remember that somewhere in the world a man with a lisp is trying to order the "Sweet & Sour Soup"
I'd never tell anyone to go to hell, but I might suggest a Carnival Cruise....
if you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut
...if you don't send the person you're stalking a nude photo of yourself, then your not taking that relationship serious enough!
Aww I'm sorry you're mad the world doesn't revolve around you. Here...let me pour you a nice, tall glass of Get Over It.
People say that marriage is a job...marriage is not a job, its a hobbie!! Dating while you're married...that's a job!!
When I die, I want my ashes thrown in the face of everyone I ever knew for not working harder to find a way to keep me alive. Jerks.
If you're a chick who says “chivalry is dead” I hate to be the one to tell you, but its only dead for you because you're ugly.
Does it count as saving someone's life if you just refrain from killing them?
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
Dear warm weather, thank you for having the wonderful ability to remove clothing from these gorgeous girls on campus
I just got a pre-declined credit card in the mail...wtf! 