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I've always pictured myself taking selfies. 
If more people carried guns the bad guys would get off fewer shots.
Well, well, well...look who's come crawling back,,, asking me to repair the tire on their wheelchair.
Nothing says "I'm stubborn" like owning a BlackBerry in 2015
It's so cold out by the time I walked to the car, the footlong I got at Subway was on a 6 incher.
.... Please tell me more about how YOU came to OUR country and now YOU want US to change OUR traditions because THEY offend YOU and YOU want US to change to suit YOU and YOUR ways. What if I told YOU ... It's YOU that NEEDS to CHANGE ungrateful Dumbass!!
May the pillow be cooler on the other side ...RIP Stuart Scott
I'll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
I ran out of Anti-Depressants, so I'm drinking my bottle of No More Tears Shampoo.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, "I don't know. I don't speak Chinese."... Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I want to start an electric company called Grayskull so that millions of homes can be run by the power of Grayskull.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away... so does having no medical insurance!
If you were to lose your left arm your right one would be left.
I think less people would tempted to use an "Out of Order" Toilet... if the sign actually read... "Ain't Takin' NO Sh*t"!
For the last f*cking time, this is the first time I'm seeing this movie and we started watching it at the exact same moment. I don't know the answer to your question.
If there was ever a Titanic themed party and you couldn't figure out what to go as, you could always go as an iceberg and crash the party.
Its all fun and games till your both naked and someone is getting their face nawed on.
I said to a fat girl today, "You're a big girl!" She replied, "Tell me something I don't know." I said, "Salad tastes good."
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn't a balloon.
Who's that sexy beast…………..oh I clicked on my own profile again!! 