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I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago. 
Mrs. Claus: *opens door* you’ve been in here working on the naughty list all day Santa Claus: *fumbling to close his internet browser* I need PRIVACY please
Friend: I think I smell burnt toast Me: that’s awesome! You don’t have Covid
I want this Valentines Day to be special.... Just give me a hint.... Tell me what will make you happy..... I’ll do anything.. *me, talking to my dogs
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
What's better than a 5 hour energy? A 2 hour nap!!
[Returning a mattress] ME: Yes, I was told this was king size, but my child is 3 feet tall and somehow takes up all of it.
Her: "Undress me with your words." Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
I don't know about you, I could have done without Adam's wardrobe malfunction...
The only thing Flat-Earthers have to fear is sphere itself.
Was kind of surprised at all the swearing when I unplugged the church organ to charge my phone?
All of a sudden my news feed looks like a nursing home
OMG you guys!! I have abs . . . . . . ...olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
[Leaving the drive thru] Fries: Can’t you even wait until you get home? Stop that. I said stop! Noooo...
I realized I wasn't my parents favorite kid when they ask me to help blow up ballonns for my twin brother's surprise birthday party.
Every time I get a headache I imagine it's because someone wants me to get in bed with them.
Hey, if it doesn't work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on again?
