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I'm trying to get a grip on reality and when I do, I'm going to choke the living snot out of it. 
The point in making a point is to actually make a point,
Deja poo. The feeling that you've been through this crap before
What do you get a girl who has everything ? Penicillin
My wife just opened a jar of pickles by herself and I can't help but think that my days around here are numbered...
The sign at the florist's said, "Say It With Flowers." I go in and ordered one rose. The guy asks me if I'm cheap. I go, "No, I'm a man of few words."
You never truly realize what you have till its gone. Toilet paper, for example.
Today reminds me of that old Schoolhouse Rock episode, "How a Bill Becomes an Embarrassing Failure By Paul Ryan."
Truth is truth. It does not need to be "balanced" and it isn't caused by voting, consensus, polls or by yelling louder or silencing someone.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
[Returning a mattress] ME: Yes, I was told this was king size, but my child is 3 feet tall and somehow takes up all of it.
Her: "Undress me with your words." Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
I don't know about you, I could have done without Adam's wardrobe malfunction...
The only thing Flat-Earthers have to fear is sphere itself.
Was kind of surprised at all the swearing when I unplugged the church organ to charge my phone?
All of a sudden my news feed looks like a nursing home
OMG you guys!! I have abs . . . . . . ...olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Oh baby, I can't wait to get you alone and see what you look like without a mask
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing. 