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Great men of this country fought and died to defend my right to not give a flippin' flip about the Karskankians. 
it me or does Herman Cain's latest accuser, Sharon Bialek, look like Stifler's mom?
Who needs a therapist when you have music!
Johnny Bravo would be so perfect for Jersey shore.
There are two reasons why I wake up in the morning: my alarm clock and you.
I dont even know who this "Snookie" person is?
Girls, just because you're on your period doesn't mean your timeline needs to be too.
You should get out of any relationship where you secretly hope the other person is kidnapped and held for a ransom you can't pay.
A 5-year-old is really just an alarm clock without a snooze button.
When giving a tour of my apartment, I just point at things and say, "I got my head stuck in that."
Facebook's friend suggestion section should be renamed to "People you know, but probably hate."
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.
Hey, ladies, if you look like a snake swallowed a rib cage you're too skinny.
When somebody sends me a "k" text, I assume they forgot the rest of "fuc_ you", so I make sure to correct them.
Nickelodeon should just stop making new shows and replay all the old ones
I think there should be a special place in hell for whoever invented those strings of Christmas lights that wont work at all or blink half assed because one damn bulb is blown!
If my wife thinks making me sleep on the couch is a punishment, she's going to feel so dumb when she sees this badass fort I made.
The absolute best way to get revenge is to sit back and watch while people destroy their own lives just by being themselves.
Dear Parents, do your job, and quit having other people make your decisions for you. Buy your damn kids a dog without posting for likes. -The Whole Damn Internet
I won't lie, I'd pay top dollar to just see Katy Perry work a jackhammer for a few minutes. 