Snotty Funny Status Messages

   You think you can preach??? I just convinced a Pentecostal woman to put on pants.

   The guy that invented caller ID should win a Nobel peace prize. Think about many marriages and jobs that invention has actually saved

   I KNOW it's early,,, but I've already got a date lined up for Valentine's Day,,,,,,,,,,,,It's gonna be Feb.14th.

   Autocorrect me if I'm Rung,,, but there's no Tim like the presents

   WHAT,, Age is only a number??? I Don't think so asshat....."age" is a word...

   Wow!!, What a day..I volunteered at a soup kitchen, mowed my lawn,, went to 2 Birthday parties,, ran 6 miles,, then told a BUNCH of lies on Facebook.

   Show me on the doll where gas prices touched you.

   During sex, you burn as much calories as running for 5 miles,,,,,, Wait, Who the heck runs 5 miles in 2 minutes???

   Two lesbians walk into a bra....................(Yes,,that was a typo, but I liked it so much, I kept it.)

   I think I'm approaching my "best if used by" date.

   It's a shame that most things aren't pies... More things should be pies.

   Sorry son, we can't go get ice cream because mommy went to Kohl's 20 times last month.

   Dear MacGuyver,,,I've enclosed a yoyo, three pennies, and mentos... Please save the rainforest.....Love, Snotty

   Say what you will about him,,, but I think it's pretty cool that Jesus spoke in red letters.

   I bought a teethbrush.... It's actually has saved me a lot of time.

   Yesterday, Eugene Polly,, The inventor of the TV remote died.. I'd go to his funeral but it's WAY too far from my couch.

   HAHA !!,, I just saw a picture of Katy Perry holding a guitar and it looked just like when I make my cat pretend he's typing

   There's no place like home. Unless you're a bee, in which case home is a terrible place filled with bees

   I just ate at the Olive Garden for the first time. It felt just like being in Tuscany,, And by Tuscany,, I mean the break room of a Radio Shack

   HEY,,, I remember when they had Child Protective Services when I was a kid... And her name was Grandma... Love you Gram !