Funny Status Messages

   Sometimes I STOP when it's not even Hammer time

   Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

   O.J. Simpson is now available for the next season of Dancing With The Stars.

   If you mean Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then, yes, I do like opera.

   Don't talk to me like I'm stupid until you know for sure.

   I've been trying many different kinds of cheese lately and I began to realize that putting it on a cracker can interfere with subtle differences in the flavors, so I started squirting it into my mouth right from the can.

   The only reason I wear glasses is so I can take them off and rub my eyes when somebody does something stupid.

   When do Boy Scout cookies go on sale?

   Ambition is the path to success. Persistence is the vehicle you arrive in...

   "Friday" is an old Indian word that means "Just two more days until Monday."

   So proud of myself for being healthy & buying vegetables that are just gonna sit at the bottom of my fridge until they go bad.

   "I stubbed my toe today. I'm not ready to share photos yet but I will keep you guys updated daily." - probably Carrie Underwood

   It’s hard to keep loving someone who constantly calls the cops and keeps changing her number but here I am.

   You know you've reached adulthood when your bed is in the middle of the wall instead of in the corner.

   Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can't make eye contact.

   Not trying to brag but I haven’t been around people in days

   I listen to all of the voices in my head...except the one named Reason. That one makes absolutely no sense to me.

   Ever picked up a copy of your x-ray from the doctors office, open the envelope when you get to the car, hold it up to the light and say....."yeah, I have no clue what I'm looking at"?

   I once booked a cruise just so I could walk around for 7 days saying “Looks like we’re all in the same boat” to everyone else on board.

   The one good thing about an egotist. They don't talk about other people.