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If you were on a deserted island and you could only bring one item, how come people never say "A boat" 
Queen Elizabeth now has a Facebook page,going to give her a poke
Dear lunatic boyracer in the souped-up, loud BMW.. If you want to kill yourself by driving like an imbecile on icy roads kindly do this at 4am where you are very unlikely to take an innocent person with you.
What do you mean push #1 for English???
Chaos: What erupts when he-who-lives-in-a-glass-house invites he-who-is-without-sin for dinner.
You know a guy likes you when his pants give you a thumbs up ;)
We are in for such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual and so far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared, Are you all OK?
Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her.
looking for a cute little bunny with a nice set of eggs
better to know and be disappointed, than to never know and always wonder..
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. I told her I wanted to be on cops
I'll give you an exact definition of "in love". When her bra and underwear match.
going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they act up I will just hit them all at once
The nice thing about waiting a week to listen to your voicemail is that those people usually don't need you for that thing anymore.
Does the North Korean World Cup team get to choose their method of execution when they get home?
No letters were harmed in the making of this status message.
I sure hope they get the NJ boardwalk fixed in time for hurricane season!!
If I was blind, I would say "That's something you don't see everyday",,,, To just about every comment.
Captain and Tennille divorcing after 39 years? But I thought "Love was going to keep you together"? I guess he got tired of "Doing it to her one more time"
I was discussing NFL football with a friend when he asked ‘When was the last time the Redskins had a decent season?’ I replied ‘I think it was 1491, the year before Columbus discovered America.’ 