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My ex got run over by a bus today,,,,, I thought, "WOW,That could have been me!"...... But then again , I don't have a bus drivers license. 
My three favorite shows about murderers are Dexter, Hannibal, and SportsCenter.
I'm a man. I've loved beautiful women. I've beaten other men in fist fights. But when my mama says she's proud of me, I'm 5 years old again.
Those people who try to tear you down are just pissed that they can't reach you where you are standing.
I'm writing a thanksgiving cookbook called "50 shades of gravy."
I am painting a blue square in the backyard, so google earth thinks I have a pool!
"Dude, She Called You Poor!" "OH HELL NO, Hold My Food Stamps"
How do they fit so many islands into such a small bottle of dressing??!!
Instead of LOL, try SALTS ( smiled a little, then stopped)
Raining cats and dogs.....Why can't it rain cougars amd beavers?
Would stiff nipples be a good name for my air conditioning company?
It's the most... wonderful time... for a beer.
At the beach life is different. Time doesn't move hour to hour but mood to moment. We live by the currents, plan by the tides and follow the sun.
ladies... dont forget about cervical cancer awareness day today.
If you work for British Airways & have been on strike this week, next time you see a soldier/airman/sailor who's returned from Operations in Afghanistan make sure you tell him/her about your awful working conditions, poor uniform & low pay. Good luck.
We've gotten too much snow lately. Everywhere outside it looks whiter than the audience at a Toby Keith concert!
Men think about sex every 7 seconds. Which is why I eat hot dogs in 6 seconds, so it doesn't get weird.
Pick up line of the day: Hey, did you know that girls can't touch their elbows together? (works best with women wearing low-cut shirts)
Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchuks, no one's eating fish ever again.
Have you guys ever heard of the "SNUGGIE"? Well in fact, the Original "SNUGGIE" is from Mexico, it's called "The Pancho" 