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If facebook gets shutdown will Tom send me my password from Myspace back? 
What no one tells you about rock bottom is that it has a fantastic open bar.
Remember: Being awake during a Saturday Morning sunrise is a sign of a good Friday Night.
It's funny how once they see that you're doing better without them, some people decide that they want you back.
Dude, you're driving a Jeep, surely you can take a speed bump faster than 4mph...
"If alcohol is poison, why do you drink it?" "Because there are things in me I need to kill..."
it considered drinking alone if you're on Facebook?
just had a 4 course breakfast.....Three Bloody Mary's and an Egg McMuffin!
What do you call 3 old ladies at a baseball game with a bottle of whisky? Bottom of the 5th and the bags are loaded!
Every time I see you falling, I get down on my knees and pray, That somebody puts that sh*t on YouTube, So I can watch it every day.
I can't fall asleep with all these people honking at me. Go around!!
woke up with the song Wonderwall by Oasis in my head, along with the word "portmanteau" for some reason... some days I feel like if Freud were still alive he'd look at me, shrug, and say, "Fuck, I don't know man. You're on your own with that one."
Make love, not war. Hell, do both, GET MARRIED!
found a dead lizard on the back porch...apparently, a reptile dysfunction.
trying to develop a life off of facebook.....as you can see, its not working.....
can't wait to see who's all going to be single on my facebook after the 4th of July!"
I wonder if my boss was more fun and carefree in his youth, when his name was Anakin.
I don't get the toilet seat issue that women have. I won't put my naked *ss on anything without looking at it first. Apparently some women are not so discriminating...
I'm beginning to think the only real committed women are the ones who are institutionalized.
Today's status is brought to you by the letters T G I F... 