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Let's say you were to date someone for a few months and then they told you that they were actually " married". Is that considered good news or bad news? 
It's a shame that all the people who know how to run the country are all busy driving taxi's and cutting hair!
Just met the girl of my dreams and then I woke up
If I were a pilot I would scream "WE'RE GOING DOWN" every time I landed the plane.
You had me at an extra hour of sleep.
Do you ever look at girls' pictures on facebook and feel them up with your cursor??? --uhhh, either do i!
If you have to have a job as host of are you smarter than a fifth grader. Then you just might be a terrible comedian.
The latest breakthrough in single-ply toilet paper ? My index finger.
If two past lovers remain friends, it`s either someone is still in love, or someone is still hoping for a second chance.
What do tornadoes and divorce in the south have in common? .. Either way, someone's losing a trailer.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Never trust a Democrat, they have a twisted view of the world.
A woman recently changed her FB status to "got my periods" 20 guys liked it and 30 commented "thank God"
Girl on Facebook statues : I want a guy that actually give a s**t about me. Guy on comment : I thought about you while I was taking s**t .. does that count ?
Remember that there's always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
was all, "I'LL BURN THIS PLACE TO THE GROUND! YOU HEAR ME?!?" and she was like, "Ma'am, the dipping sauce is *under* your McNuggets."
Sometimes I meow back at cats.
Losing someone you love so much is painful but losing yourself in the process of loving someone too much is the worst.
I'm an angel. Honest. The horns are just there to keep the halo straight.
If you have never shot bottle rockets from a beer bottle at your drunk friends on the 4th of July then you are not enjoying your freedom to the fullest. 